When We’re the Target: How Inclusive Leaders Can Heal, Grow, and Keep Leading After Exclusion

We often talk about how to call out exclusion when we see it happening to someone else. But what happens when it happens to us?

Even seasoned inclusive leaders can find themselves at the receiving end of an inappropriate comment, a dismissive joke, or outright exclusion. And when that happens, it hits differently. We’re not just managing the moment—we’re managing the emotional fallout, our public role, and the expectation to “lead through it.”

The truth is, being targeted as a leader can feel incredibly isolating. You’re expected to stay composed, lead with grace, and model inclusive behaviour—all while you’re dealing with the sting of being undermined or disrespected. That tension between what’s expected of us and what we’re actually feeling? It can be overwhelming.

Portuguese psychologist and artist Grada Kilomba put it powerfully: “Racism is a traumatic experience to which sometimes the only possible response is shock.” And that applies to many forms of exclusion. Sometimes, all we can do is recognise that we’re in shock. And give ourselves permission to just pause and process.

What Happens When We’re Hit By Exclusion

When we’re blindsided by exclusionary behaviour, our nervous system often kicks into high alert. We might feel frozen, flooded with emotion, or stuck in self-doubt. Did that really just happen? Am I overreacting? Why didn’t I say anything?

And because we’re leaders, the pressure to “handle it well” can feel relentless. We carry this invisible burden to remain calm, composed, and rational—while inside we might be hurting, angry, confused, or deeply disappointed.

That’s why we need to stop treating emotional responses as weaknesses. They’re human. And they’re valid.

Speaking Up Isn’t Playing the Victim. It’s Leadership.

There’s a harmful myth floating around that if you speak up about harm, you’re somehow “playing the victim.” Let’s be clear: being the victim of exclusionary behaviour is a factual reality—not a mindset. When someone excludes, mocks, or undermines us, we are experiencing harm. And naming it is an act of courage, not weakness.

Yet, so often, leaders who do speak up are met with dismissal or gaslighting. “Don’t take it so personally.” “You’re overreacting.” Or worse: “Don’t play the victim.” These reactions silence. They deflect. And they reinforce the very culture we’re trying to change.

Ironically, those from dominant groups who are challenged on their own exclusionary behaviour may quickly flip the script and claim they are the ones being victimised. It’s a defence mechanism. As Samah Karaki wisely observes, “Men become the victims of sexism, colonisers of occupation, and white people of racism.” This role reversal makes it even harder for real victims to be heard and taken seriously.

So How Do We Take Care of Ourselves When We’re the Target?

Let me say this clearly: You don’t owe anyone an immediate reaction. You’re allowed to take time. To breathe. To protect your energy.

Sometimes it’s not safe to confront the behaviour right away. Sometimes we just don’t have it in us. That’s okay. You can choose when and how to respond—and whether you respond at all. That’s not avoidance. That’s wisdom.

Processing what happened is a vital first step. Talk to someone you trust. Write it down. Acknowledge the impact. Don’t bottle it up.

When you are ready to respond, there are many ways to do it. You might choose to have a private conversation. You might redirect the discussion in the moment. You might go through formal channels. Or you might ask a trusted colleague to intervene. The key is: you choose what’s right for you.

And as you heal, make sure you’re surrounded by support—both personal and professional. Lean on friends, family, therapists, mentors, or trusted colleagues. Tap into networks that understand inclusion. Remind yourself: you don’t have to go through this alone.

My Own Story

Years ago, while working in France, I had a deeply uncomfortable experience with a male colleague. In front of a room full of people—my manager included—he gave me a peck on the lips. Everyone laughed. Even the women. I was shocked. I smiled awkwardly and left the room, unsure of what had just happened.

No one said anything. No one checked in. And I felt embarrassed—like I’d let myself down by not reacting.

Looking back, I understand now that shock is normal. That silence from bystanders can be as painful as the original act. That we don’t always know what to do in the moment—and that doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human.

Today, I lead differently. I respond differently. And I try to create environments where no one else has to go through that kind of moment alone.

Transforming the Pain

Experiencing exclusion as a leader can shake your confidence. You might feel disconnected from your team. Less motivated. Emotionally drained. Worried that speaking up could hurt your career.

But over time, many inclusive leaders discover something powerful: the very experience that hurt us can also make us more empathetic, more resilient, more committed. It can deepen our leadership, not diminish it.

We become better listeners. We become braver advocates. We speak with more authenticity. We lead with more heart.

Take Care of You

Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s a leadership strategy. So nurture yourself. Move your body. Rest. Reflect. Journal. Meditate. Reconnect with what gives you purpose and strength.

Most of all, treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you’d offer someone you care about.

Because you matter. Your leadership matters. And your story—however painful—is part of a much bigger journey.

Moving Forward with Intention

You don’t have to forget what happened. But you can choose how you carry it. You might decide to set firmer boundaries. To mentor others. To advocate for better workplace policies. To lead by example, even when it’s hard.

That choice—your choice—is where your power lives.

When you model healthy ways to respond to exclusion, you don’t just heal yourself. You show others that they can survive it too. You create space for others to speak up. You build cultures that truly change.

And that, my dear leader, is how we not only survive exclusion—but lead through it.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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This piece is adapted from my upcoming book, Practising Inclusive Leadership.

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