Calling In vs. Calling Out: How Inclusive Leaders Give Feedback That Sparks Real Change

You’re in a meeting. Someone says something that doesn’t sit right. Maybe it’s a joke, a comment, a choice of words. You feel it. That little inner nudge that says, this isn’t okay.

Now what?

Do you say something right away, in front of everyone? Or wait for a quieter moment later? It’s one of the trickiest parts of inclusive leadership—and one of the most powerful.

The choice between calling someone in or calling them out can shape whether your feedback builds trust… or builds walls.

Let’s talk about how to navigate that moment with care, clarity, and courage.

 Why Our Brains Resist Feedback

First, a little context. When people feel criticised—especially publicly—something happens in the brain. The amygdala, which is like our internal alarm system, kicks into overdrive. The result? What scientists call an “amygdala hijack.”

Rational thinking shuts down. The person shifts into self-protection mode. They stop listening and start defending. And once they’re in that state? Learning becomes nearly impossible.

That’s why how we deliver feedback matters so much. Inclusive leaders don’t just want to “be right.” We want to create change. And change only happens when people feel safe enough to listen.

Calling In: A Private Door to Growth

Calling in means inviting someone into a conversation—gently, privately—where they can reflect without shame. You’re not trying to shame them. You’re trying to help them grow.

This is especially powerful when someone says something rooted in unconscious bias or lack of awareness rather than intentional harm. And it works best when you already have some rapport.

Let me share a few real-life inspired examples:

🔸 A teammate keeps mispronouncing someone’s name. You might say:
“Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve had a bit of trouble with Priya’s name. I used to struggle with names too—would it help if we practised it together?”

🔸 Someone interrupts a colleague repeatedly in meetings.
“Tom, I wanted to check in. I’ve noticed Maria’s been getting cut off a lot—often by you. I know you’re passionate, but I wonder if we could take a look at that dynamic?”

🔸 A teammate uses outdated language when referring to an overseas team.
“Can I share a quick reflection? Some of the terms we’ve been using for the Mumbai team might not land the way we intend. Happy to unpack that if it’s helpful.”

Calling in works because it’s respectful. It protects dignity. It opens the door to real reflection. And it deepens trust, rather than eroding it.

When Calling Out Is the Right Move

Now, sometimes silence isn’t an option.

If the behaviour is blatant, harmful, or happening in front of others, it might be time to call it out—clearly, calmly, and firmly.

That could sound like:

🔸 “That comment’s not appropriate—we don’t use language that devalues people here.”

🔸 “Let’s pause this conversation. The way Raj is being spoken to isn’t okay. We’ll continue when we can do so respectfully.”

🔸 “I want to challenge that generalisation—it doesn’t reflect our values or how we see each other as a team.”

Calling out isn’t about public shaming. It’s about public accountability. It signals: this matters. We don’t let this slide. And everyone deserves respect here.

But even when calling out is needed, you can still follow up later—privately—to go deeper and support learning.

A Simple Way to Structure Feedback: The 3 Fs

Whether you’re calling someone in or out, here’s a framework I love—Facts, Feelings, Future:

Facts: Start with what you observed, not what you interpreted.
→ “I noticed you interrupted Aisha a few times in the meeting.”

Feelings/Impact: Name how it affects people or the culture.
→ “It makes it harder for everyone to feel heard.”

Future: Be clear about what you’d like to see next time.
→ “Can we agree to let people finish speaking before responding?”

Simple. Respectful. Actionable.

Making Feedback Part of Team Culture

Some of the most inclusive teams I’ve worked with have created their own little rituals and shortcuts to make feedback easier.

One team used a code word—“Jellyfish”—to signal a pause when something didn’t feel right. Others say things like “Ouch” or “Let’s redirect.” It helps take the sting out while keeping the accountability in.

Creating team agreements about respectful communication, inclusive language, and turn-taking also gives you something to point to when behaviours miss the mark.

And when you make feedback part of regular team check-ins? It becomes normal, not awkward.

Assume Positive Intent—but Don’t Ignore Impact

One of the most compassionate things you can do is assume that the person didn’t mean harm—even when the impact was hurtful.

You might say:
→ “I know you were trying to lighten the mood, but…”
→ “I can see you were trying to be helpful when you said that…”
→ “I don’t think you meant to exclude anyone, and…”

This helps soften the blow while still addressing the impact. Because here’s the thing: intent doesn’t cancel out impact—but acknowledging intent often helps people stay open to feedback.

Leading Through Discomfort

Let’s be honest. These conversations are rarely easy.

Giving feedback about exclusionary behaviour asks a lot of you. You’re managing your own emotions. Navigating team dynamics. Holding the line and holding space.

It’s emotional labour. It takes skill. And yes, it can be draining. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself and keep sharpening your tools.

You don’t need to get it perfect every time. But you can get more confident with practice:

• Rehearse some phrases so you’re not caught off guard
• Ask a trusted colleague to give you feedback on how you handle tough moments
• Reflect on what went well—and what you’d do differently
• Stay curious. Keep learning. This work evolves. So can we.

The Ripple Effect

When you consistently practise calling in and calling out with skill and heart, something beautiful happens.

• Your team feels safer.
• People learn from their mistakes.
• Respect becomes the norm.
• And the culture begins to shift.

No workplace will ever be perfect. But we can create spaces where everyone feels they belong—and where feedback isn’t feared, but welcomed.

Here’s what I want you to remember: You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need the courage to show up with care.

Start with the small stuff. Practice. Get it a little wrong. Learn. Try again.

Inclusive leadership isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention, compassion, and consistent action.

Your team is watching how you show up in these moments. Let them see your integrity, your kindness, and your commitment to doing better.

They’ll follow your lead.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

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This piece is adapted from my upcoming book, Practising Inclusive Leadership.

Curious about my Inclusive Leadership Online Programme for HR professionals or my Inclusive Leadership Train-the-Trainer Retreat in Cyprus? Click HERE to register your interest and get all the details and early birds.